Starving Poet Crystal Dawn

Just a hopeful broke girl, trying to make a living as a poet. Funny, huh? This is a diary of my thoughts and artistic searches on the web. Author of The Sensitive Callous

Monday, September 19, 2005

Destiny Must Hate Me

Today is a bad day for my health. Even now, my legs are tingling, my spine is throbbing, and my head is well.... I can't think of a good word. It hurts.
I have had a hard time holding down my food for the last few days. I do keep it down, but I've dry-heeved and burped up hydrochloric acid. I thought it was something I ate... until today. I haven't had an episode like this in a while.
My friend James says it's probably the stress of money again. Whenever I get stressed out a lot, my health problems seem to accelerate. I've been quite lethargic lately, too. Today, I can barely sit upright at all. I took a nap, but it didn't help.
I'm supposed to be working! I have over $700 I need to make before the end of the month to keep my apartment. The money I've made so far this month has gone to the phone and groceries. I'm still a month behind on rent (I have been since February) and if I can't make the bill, I'm out on the street. Or I'm living with James again...and his family of six other people and eight other animals. I get along with most of them, but his father hates me and says I'm using all of them. He's just another person in this world who feigns compassion, but when it's time to actually help someone less fortunate, he believes it's the person's fault for not trying harder. He is the majority of people I've met, my family included. I can't blame them, really. If they are in good physical and mental health, it's hard to understand someone who isn't.
Today is one of those days I feel like I could literally die. I feel as if my brain is going to explode. Please, not today. Just let me have a few days of touching my love again. Then, you can take me. Just a little more time. (Funny, some days, I'm begging to be taken.) Dammit, I don't need to cry. That just makes the migraines and nauseousness worse. My ears are starting to pop. I've been having some distortion in my vision again, too.
The exterminator came by today. Good. Maybe all these roaches will finally die. When I opened the door, with my blanket wrapped around me, he asked, "Are you sick?"
I chuckled as I laid back down on the couch. I never know how to answer someone when they ask me that. Usually, I don't go around telling people about my problems, because it makes them uncomfortable, but I didn't have the brain power to avoid the question or cushion my answer. "I have... a brain disease."
"Yes, I have all the symptoms of a brain tumor without the tumor." It's the easiest, most efficient answer to give people, so they understand in laymen's terms.
He answered with the same question I've heard more times than I care to remember. "Are you sure it's not all in your head?"
"Yes, I'm sure."
"Have you been diagnosed, gotten all the tests, and applied for disability?" Another repeated question.
"Yes, I've had CAT scans, a spinal tap, and I have been diagnosed. Social Security does not consider it a disability."
He finished his spraying and smiled with distrust, like so many others. I didn't need another scoffer today.
It reminded me of my mother, also saying it's all in my head, that it must be psychological, eventhough she was there when the opthamologist told me, "You need to go to a neurologist for these flashes in your vision. After studying you, worse case scenario is that you may have a brain disease."
James also went with me to the neurologist. The last time I saw her, when I went to see her to sign the forms for Social Security, she told me, "Don't ever go more than three months without seeing me again." That was over a year ago. She isn't going to pay for my visits. I haven't had any of my medicine for over a year and a half. I've been relying totally on herbal remedies. Of course, the money isn't there for that, either, now, so I just have to suffer. Let nature take its course. Ignore the scoffers. Remember a love that holds me together. A love that I wait for as patiently as I can.
"Be strong." he told me last. I'm trying.


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