Starving Poet Crystal Dawn

Just a hopeful broke girl, trying to make a living as a poet. Funny, huh? This is a diary of my thoughts and artistic searches on the web. Author of The Sensitive Callous

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Demolition

Just when I think things are at their worst, another circumstance jolts me into reality.

Yesterday, construction workers came into my apartment complex and started busting down walls. Without any prior notice, we were told that the entire building was being renovated and all tenants must be out by November 30th.

I called the landlord today, and she explained the same story, saying our notices were in the mail. On top of all that, she tells me that I'm not even supposed to be in my apartment right now due to backrent. I have been a month behind on my rent since February and receive court papers for eviction every month, but I've been paying all the late fees and rent just the same since February, so I never got kicked out.

Since a new landlord took over on October 1st, I was told to pay my October rent and that they would tell me what to do about backrent as soon as possible. I phoned the landlord four times, and she said she would come by to see me twice, and never showed up. Now, they say that since I didn't pay September's rent, I will be ordered to vacate the premises within three days of them, filing the paperwork. So, they intentionally did this to make it earlier than November 30th to kick me out. I was niave enough to believe them.

They call it "cleaning up the area." Shooting us would be an easier resolution to getting rid of the "trash" poor people in America, but they have schemes and papers so that it is all legal and to save their own public face. I've said it before, and I'll say it again. Sometimes, the only difference I see between Saddam's Iraq and Bush's America is one oppresses blatantly, and one does everything under the table... finding those loopholes to benefit themselves and hurt the less fortunate. And people wonder why lower incomed people seem to always have a chip on their shoulder.

Right now, I don't know where I'll end up, but my dear friend James is helping me. I owe him the world. He's done so much for me in the past and has never asked for anything in return. I wish everyone had a James in their lives. One day, I will be able to repay him for all his compassion.

Well, it's time for me to finish packing and set sail for a new destination.
Until then, keep dreaming with one foot on the ground.

Saturday, October 08, 2005

A Letter to My Love

10/5/05
My love,

I'm writing this right now because I don't know if I'm going to die or not. I started having migraines at noon today. My back started to hurt at about 7pm, so I vegged out and watched movies. It seemed to get worse.

My back keeps feeling like I laid on it wrong; it almost feels crooked. Anyway, I finished watching movies and got ready for bed. I started having a hard time breathing. Then, I think I had a panic attack.

I remember crying a lot and trying to figure out whether I should call someone or just go in peace. You kept running through my mind. You were the light that kept me physically healthy. Now, I'm just a black disease, full of death.

If I die tonight,I want you to know that I love you. One day, you will open your heart and love someone else as I have loved you. Don't let my obstacles stop you from becoming a beautiful man. Remember the things I've said to you to help you better yourself.

Maybe my time is done here. If so, don't feel anger or despair at my passing. My purposes here have been fulfilled, even if I don't know what those purposes were. If my purposes are still not fulfilled, I guess I'll be here tomorrow.

I love you and the beautiful letters you send me. They make me feel love in return...even if I sometimes forget.

I love you, my sweet darling. I'll hold you in my dreams.

10/6/05
Well, I'm still alive. I still don't feel wonderful though. My back is still killing me (especially the left side), and I keep getting really cold or really hot. In most women, they are going through menopause, but there's no telling with my crazy hormones! I know it's been at least a month since my last period. It doesn't matter to me though. I'm happy, not having them.

Now that I'm not so close to death, I'm still mad at you!

Well, the roaches have grown overnight. I just saw two in the kitchen that were about the size of a nickel. Earlier, I saw something on the ceiling. I thought, "There's no way that's a roach." I swear to you, he was as big as a half-dollar! No freakin' lie! I knocked him off the ceiling, but he went running before I could catch him. He'll haunt me in my dreams, I'm sure!

I finally bought a regular .com site today. YAY! Cool, huh? I'm totally psyched. I got lots of work to do!

10/7/05
I haven't been working lately due to being sick. I hate this.

Everytime I'm not working on the computer, and I start to relax by watching a movie, I cry...even with comedies. I have forgotten how to feel, how to love. I only remember how to cry and work.

I do remember singing, laughing, and exploring with you. I remember playing frisbee in the park and walking through the gardens when it began to rain. Do you remember that? It's the first time I've remembered it in a long time.

I miss those days when I had so much more to smile at...so much more to live for. I feel my purpose is gone. I don't see a happy day to come. Those promises of a day we will be happy together again seem like such an unreachable fantasy. The last thing you need in your life is some pitiful creature to love. If you stay on the right path, so many other, better women than me could receive your love - beautiful, skinny, blonde Barbies with luscious asses that will desire you when you have a little bit of money in your pocket, a smile on your face, and adventure in your heart. I am nobody to bother with. I can't make myself happy, so how could I ever make you smile?

God, how many tears can one woman cry?

You need stronger, more successful people in your life than me. Maybe I'm just a gateway, the woman to show you the way but cannot walk with you into success. "I give my hope to others and leave none for myself." - (Lord Aragon in Tolkien's The Lord of the Rings) I think I'll fail in my attempts to be successful. No matter how hard I try, I cannot. But you, you have so much to give. You've harnessed that hope for these days so that you can give love and hope to your mother, daughter and family. One day, you'll find a girl that's irresistible, and you cannot help but love.

I know you don't see me that way. I've always had a knack for showing men there's nothing to fear in love and emotions, but their hearts are made for someone else's love...just as you will be. I am damaged and broken. I always have been, and I always will be. I seem to absorb like a sponge everyone's darkness to eat away at me so they can live wholly. I am a forgotten angel by God. I mourn that fate, but it seems inevitable. I am not allowed to hold on to any lasting happiness.

These days are all shrouded until someone encourages me to wear a smiling mask.
I see no more beauty, baby. I just exist.