Starving Poet Crystal Dawn

Just a hopeful broke girl, trying to make a living as a poet. Funny, huh? This is a diary of my thoughts and artistic searches on the web. Author of The Sensitive Callous

Saturday, October 08, 2005

A Letter to My Love

My love,

I'm writing this right now because I don't know if I'm going to die or not. I started having migraines at noon today. My back started to hurt at about 7pm, so I vegged out and watched movies. It seemed to get worse.

My back keeps feeling like I laid on it wrong; it almost feels crooked. Anyway, I finished watching movies and got ready for bed. I started having a hard time breathing. Then, I think I had a panic attack.

I remember crying a lot and trying to figure out whether I should call someone or just go in peace. You kept running through my mind. You were the light that kept me physically healthy. Now, I'm just a black disease, full of death.

If I die tonight,I want you to know that I love you. One day, you will open your heart and love someone else as I have loved you. Don't let my obstacles stop you from becoming a beautiful man. Remember the things I've said to you to help you better yourself.

Maybe my time is done here. If so, don't feel anger or despair at my passing. My purposes here have been fulfilled, even if I don't know what those purposes were. If my purposes are still not fulfilled, I guess I'll be here tomorrow.

I love you and the beautiful letters you send me. They make me feel love in return...even if I sometimes forget.

I love you, my sweet darling. I'll hold you in my dreams.

Well, I'm still alive. I still don't feel wonderful though. My back is still killing me (especially the left side), and I keep getting really cold or really hot. In most women, they are going through menopause, but there's no telling with my crazy hormones! I know it's been at least a month since my last period. It doesn't matter to me though. I'm happy, not having them.

Now that I'm not so close to death, I'm still mad at you!

Well, the roaches have grown overnight. I just saw two in the kitchen that were about the size of a nickel. Earlier, I saw something on the ceiling. I thought, "There's no way that's a roach." I swear to you, he was as big as a half-dollar! No freakin' lie! I knocked him off the ceiling, but he went running before I could catch him. He'll haunt me in my dreams, I'm sure!

I finally bought a regular .com site today. YAY! Cool, huh? I'm totally psyched. I got lots of work to do!

I haven't been working lately due to being sick. I hate this.

Everytime I'm not working on the computer, and I start to relax by watching a movie, I cry...even with comedies. I have forgotten how to feel, how to love. I only remember how to cry and work.

I do remember singing, laughing, and exploring with you. I remember playing frisbee in the park and walking through the gardens when it began to rain. Do you remember that? It's the first time I've remembered it in a long time.

I miss those days when I had so much more to smile much more to live for. I feel my purpose is gone. I don't see a happy day to come. Those promises of a day we will be happy together again seem like such an unreachable fantasy. The last thing you need in your life is some pitiful creature to love. If you stay on the right path, so many other, better women than me could receive your love - beautiful, skinny, blonde Barbies with luscious asses that will desire you when you have a little bit of money in your pocket, a smile on your face, and adventure in your heart. I am nobody to bother with. I can't make myself happy, so how could I ever make you smile?

God, how many tears can one woman cry?

You need stronger, more successful people in your life than me. Maybe I'm just a gateway, the woman to show you the way but cannot walk with you into success. "I give my hope to others and leave none for myself." - (Lord Aragon in Tolkien's The Lord of the Rings) I think I'll fail in my attempts to be successful. No matter how hard I try, I cannot. But you, you have so much to give. You've harnessed that hope for these days so that you can give love and hope to your mother, daughter and family. One day, you'll find a girl that's irresistible, and you cannot help but love.

I know you don't see me that way. I've always had a knack for showing men there's nothing to fear in love and emotions, but their hearts are made for someone else's love...just as you will be. I am damaged and broken. I always have been, and I always will be. I seem to absorb like a sponge everyone's darkness to eat away at me so they can live wholly. I am a forgotten angel by God. I mourn that fate, but it seems inevitable. I am not allowed to hold on to any lasting happiness.

These days are all shrouded until someone encourages me to wear a smiling mask.
I see no more beauty, baby. I just exist.


At 7:58 AM, Blogger my blog said...

nice post

Debt Girl

At 11:08 AM, Blogger my blog said...

may be thats why the poet is starving

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